Stick and Stones

I am going to be honest for a moment. This post is going to be hard for me to write considering how the last few years have been and especially the last couple of months. I am going to have to be a little vague on some things and I hope that you will understand my need for privacy at this time.

You have the saying that sticks and stones may broke my bones but words will never hurt me. I believe this is a lie.

I have made some wrong decisions in my life and there is nothing that I can do to change  them. I have learned to be at peace with those decisions. I have also asked for forgiveness from those that I have hurt. I have lost many friends. People that I once was extremely close to have become like strangers to me.

I find myself struggling to carrying on a conversation. Worried that something I may say will be repeated or that it will get misconstrued into something that I never said. How do you ask someone for forgiveness when you aren't sure what you did in the first place? That is where I find myself at tonight.

Apparently I have deeply hurt someone that I couldn't begin to tell you what I have done. In turn, this person has hurt me deeply as well. They have talked about me behind me back and basically feel as though I owe them something. Only wanting to speak to me when it will benefit them.

I have struggled with the fact of whether or not I am a good person. Am I that bad of a person that someone would want say these hurtful things and then just use me? Then I remember that I have a God that loves me. That says that I am worthy. Regardless of my past because He forgives my past. He holds my future.

Does it make easy? Of course not. I am still hurting right now. It will take some time to heal but I also believe that if you have been hurt over and over again, you can only handle so much. It is time to say that my heart has had enough. I can still care about you but we don't have to be friends. I am sorry that I hurt you. Even though you won't give me the opportunity to apologize for something I am not even sure that I did. I truly wish you the best and maybe one day you will realize the hurt that you have caused and the apologies that I tried to give. Despite not fully understanding what I was apologizing for.

I am also faced with another predicament. I have always said that I would rather someone be up front and honest with me than lie to me. I have been faced here recently with two people in particular that have been fake to me. They have talked about me behind my back and when I was struggling at the lowest point in my life, they rallied several people to turn their backs on me as well. It wasn't good enough that they were turning their backs on me but that others did as well.

It is hard to see these people now and know that they have done these things. The fact that they can look me in the face and know deep down that all they have is an image to uphold. I am not the judge of this Earth and it isn't my place to do just that. I have been hurt but my heart has had enough.

The reason that I have opened up to y'all is because I want y'all to know that I am not perfect. No one is. I don't want to turn into these people that have been hurtful to me. I want to be the bigger person so I am asking you to hold me accountable. Below is a pic that describe the way my heart is feeling right now. Until next time. :)